Saturday, August 25, 2012

"Grief Counseling"...or so they say...


I've learned over the past couple of weeks that it is ALWAYS easier to criticize a person's show of grief and pain than it is to ATTEMPT to sympathize with them. One can NEVER truly empathize with a person because no two experiences are the same, although the circumstances may be similar.

Yes, I am still experiencing some anger at what my little family has gone through, but that doesn't give people the right to tell me that I'm wrong in my anger OR in my sadness. When standing on the outside looking in, with great ease comes the ability to point a finger and say "you're still healthy, why are you sad?" or "you're still alive, why are you angry?" or "Why would seeing babies, pregnant women, baby toys, or baby clothes make you do anything but smile?" or "Do you really need to stay off of work? Why can't you just talk to people?" or the seemingly fan favorite "You're young! You can try again".

It's oh-so-easy to say those things because we have been conditioned to say those things. Honestly speaking, as a person who is still deep in their pain, it is often best to say nothing at all if these are the only things you can say to a person who is grieving. Making a person feel bad, or worse, simply because YOU don't understand their pain, or you refuse to even try, isn't right, nor is it fair. The loss of a child matters just as much before that child is supposed to be born as it does after. The blindness or ignorance or people when it comes to situations like this still amazes me.

People often say that "it isn't what you say, but how you say it" and that sometimes makes people feel like they have the right to say thoughtless things, as long as they say it in a kind way. When a person is grieving, WHAT you say is more important that HOW you say it. Yes, it's what people are bred to say, but we need to educate ourselves on how to talk to mothers and fathers who have lost children as we have. This isn't the first time this is happened. It is the fourth. The fourth child that we've lost. The fourth set of hopes and dreams that were shattered. The fourth time that we've looked around us to see other people being blessed with the privilege of parenting and watching them take it for granted...because they either made a "mistake" or they just don't get it or they're just plain selfish.

Being young means NOTHING when it comes to thinking about the children that have been lost. Being healthy after the fact means NOTHING when you would gladly give your life for your child. Being happy for someone else's happiness does not mean that we cannot still grieve for our own loss. If you've never experienced this level of loss, you cannot, will not understand why it is difficult...why it hurts every day...why working does not help or distract. Yes, I am thankful to be alive, but that does not mean that I don't hurt. I laugh a lot, but only to keep from crying. I smile all the time, but if you really know me, you can tell that that smile doesn't reach my eyes. Yes, I still have a husband, a home, a job, a life and yes, I am grateful for it all...but it doesn't mean that I don't wake up in the middle of the night missing our baby.

I'm so glad that most of the people who have thought enough to call, text, post, comment, or inbox us have been sending nothing but good thoughts and sincere prayers for myself and my family. Yes, there have been people who were supposed to be our friends who have said absolutely nothing. Yes, there have been those who have said those very things that do more harm than good. But, at the end of the day, most of the people have been nothing but understanding and supportive in our time of loss and for that, we are eternally grateful. I've always heard that the fog of grief will always reveal those who truly care about you. We are SO blessed to have so many who do care about us and to have been given the clarity to see those who are great at acting.

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