Today, I got off work, came home, and started unpacking my house. I was doing just fine, listening to some music, and then I heard Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone" in the background. I broke down. In the middle of the kitchen floor. I broke down and I cried. I cried for my friend. I cried for the decision she made to leave this world. I cried for what she went through. I cried because she didn't talk to anyone. I cried because she felt like she had no way out. I cried because I knew EXACTLY how she felt.
Having been raped at the age of 15-16, I wanted to end it all. I was tainted goods...in my mind. No one would ever want me or love me...in my mind. My family wouldn't be able to handle it...in my mind. I had no way out...in my mind. In my mind, my life was over, taken from me, stolen from me. No one could understand, so why tell anyone. I was the strong one. I was the good one. No one would understand me breaking down...and I was NO ONE'S victim.
Years went by, I buried that pain. Covered it up with academics, "friends", books, music. I over-achieved and under-expected. I was determined to be the smartest, the most talented, the most liked person in the world...no matter how FAKE it all was. I buried it so deep that when it reared it's ugly head years later, I was sucker-punched. This...infestation threatened to ruin my marriage, my friendships, my job, my life. Only, I had someone I knew I could talk to. I had an option and he never let me forget that he was there. The man that I swore would never, could never love me was there. I had a way out.
My friend, she didn't feel like she had a way out, so she made a decision. She made a decision to leave this world and go home to our Creator. She felt forced into making the decision to leave us here to remember her life. She felt like she had no way out. See, her pain made her sick. Her pain took OUR friend away and replaced her with this...this person who had given up. Her pain wasn't something a Sunday morning sermon could fix. Her pain wasn't something a nice chat over a glass of wine could fix. Her pain wasn't something that a book could fix. Her pain was so deep...oh so deep...that she couldn't even talk about it. And then...she was gone. Gone from this world. Gone from the pain. Gone from this life.
For the rest of my days, I will wish that there was something I could've done...something I could've said. My only hope is that in sharing my own pain, my own thoughts, my own tears, that someone out there will be able to confront their own demons. Someone will know that they are not alone. Someone will open up and purge those demons and let them go. If doing this only helps one person, then my job is done. I can only hope that ONE PERSON out there will see this and know that they aren't the only one and that they don't have to go through it alone.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Dear...
This morning
as I was getting ready for work, I thought of this topic because I read an article
about Michelle Bachmann and her religious/personal beliefs, and the following came to me:
“Dear
Michelle Bachmann and the other Bachmann’s of the world,
While I applaud the fact that you
stand up for your personal and religious beliefs, as that is your right as an
American-to have freedom of religion, freedom of speech, etc-I do not recall
part of those rights including anything about forcing your personal and
religious beliefs on the rest of the American people. Being raised as a
Christian, I understand where you are coming from, believe me, I do. But as a
human being, it sickens me that you are using religion to discriminate, bully,
and pass judgment on other people in this country and in this world. You don’t
have the right, given by God or the American people, to tell us who we should
love or spend our lives with.
What am I talking about? Well, I don’t see it as your place,
or your right or responsibility to tell others how to live their lives and who
they should love. Don’t you know that the bullying of kids because of their
sexual orientation and/or identification can be traced to the hate that you
spew? Everyday there is another story about how kids are bullying other kids
simply because they’re not like them. Don’t you know that kids are not born
knowing how to hate? Kids are taught to hate. They are taught by parents,
family, friends, politicians, religious figures, etc. No person should EVER
feel like they aren’t good enough simply because they love differently from you
or anyone else! That is not what being a human being or being a Christian is
about. I’m not really sure where you learned that, but they told you wrong.
What am I asking you by saying this? I’m asking that you
focus on politics and leave religion and personal preferences out of your
campaigns. I know that there are people in this country who know nothing about politics
and vote based on religious beliefs, lies, and preferences, but it doesn’t make
it right. Stop paving the way for future bullies, tortures, abusers, and
murders of those who don’t fit the “mold” that you’ve been taught to believe
that love is. I’m asking you as someone who not only believes in the Creator,
but also as someone who believes in love-no matter what form it takes.”
Sincerely,
One Voice of Many
Monday, September 26, 2011
Smorgasbord
Well, this is my first post, so consider this a test. I don't have much on my mind besides that C-RAZY win the Cowboys just got. I'll start there and after that, I can't guarantee where I'll end up. My mind behaves like a Smorgasbord of thoughts at times.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love me some Dallas Cowboys. Our play isn't always in a pretty little box, but tonight, we got the job done. I say "we" because I know that somehow, someway, they hear me screaming and yelling at them through my TV. I'm a vocal fan, always have been. I talk trash when those lower-level fans hide in a corner and cower. I talk trash because win, lose, or draw, I'm a Cowboys fan for life! They may make me feel like I should own a defibrillator, but I say it keeps me young. Who needs cardio at some stuffy gym when I can just watch a football game?
Someone at a bar once said that a "lady" doesn't get into the game like I do. I looked him square in the eye and said "Who are you callin' a lady?! I'm a woman! There's a difference!" I will talk plays and stats with anyone. I was raised in the South, that's how we're bred. I can cook dinner, drink a beer, and watch a game without ruining my dish. Why is it that a guy can scream and curse at the television during a game, but I'm supposed to wear some silly pink jersey (last time I checked, pink was NOT on of the Cowboys' colors), drink some silly, frilly drink, and be quiet while the guys have all the fun? PLEASE!! Give me a beer, my authentic jersey, and room to thrash around when I get mad! I'm a woman in every sense of the word, but don't come between me and my sports.
Why are some people in this world still hung up on some antiquated view of how a woman should behave. As long as my husband doesn't mind, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. I have always wondered why we live our lives trying to satisfy this double-standard of what being a woman is. I might not go to the salon every two weeks, but my hair is done. I don't go for a mani/pedi every week, but my feet and hands are still pretty. I may use some foul language at times, but I'm pretty sure I could be quite the opponent in a debate. None of these things make me any less of a woman and I refuse to let anyone make me feel like they do.
One day, I hope that we will raise our daughters to know that they can do WHATEVER it is they want to do. Raise them to know that they don't have to be all pink and frills to qualify as a woman. Being a woman is SO much more than that. Having the specific body parts is only part of it and that part only makes you female. A woman knows what she wants and she has no problem going after it. If what she wants is a family, then she has every right to go after that family. If she wants a career, she has every right to go after that career. If she wants it all, then she has every right to go after it all. Why is it that it is more acceptable for a man to have a career that takes him away from his family, but a woman "doesn't know her place" if her career is just as important? Why is it that a woman has to give up things to have a family, but a man is not expected to do the same? I, for one, think those are valid questions.
Now, in no way am I a crazy feminist about everything. I just wonder sometimes. Being a woman is about respecting yourself, in ALL areas of your life. Respect yourself in your career. Respect yourself in your relationships. Respect yourself in your day-to-day life. How can you teach your daughter to be a woman when your inclusion in that category is questionable? Women are always saying that it takes a man to teach a boy to be a man. Well, it takes a woman to teach a girl to be a woman. You can't teach her to respect herself and her body if you're sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who smiles in your face and pays you a compliment. You can't teach her to be financially responsible if you're blowing money on mindless crap the minute it touches your hand and then worry about how the bills are going to get paid. You can't teach her how to work for something when you haven't had a job in God knows how long and aren't even trying to find one. You can't teach her to be self-sufficient when you are constantly relying on a man or men for your livelihood. You can't teach her to be a good wife when you ignore your vows at every turn. It's simple math. Nothing + Nothing = Nothing.
My goal in life is to teach my daughter, should I every have one, to be a woman, not just another female. If I never have a daughter, I hope I can be a good example to someones daughter because there are plenty in this world who need a good example. I hope that I live my life in a way that some young girl, or grown female, will look at me and say "I want to be successful, happy, respectful, and respected like her". I don't want anyone to want to be me, but I hope my actions and the decisions I make in my life, even if they do go against the grain, will inspire some girl or female to DO better. To LIVE better. To LOVE better. To BE better.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love me some Dallas Cowboys. Our play isn't always in a pretty little box, but tonight, we got the job done. I say "we" because I know that somehow, someway, they hear me screaming and yelling at them through my TV. I'm a vocal fan, always have been. I talk trash when those lower-level fans hide in a corner and cower. I talk trash because win, lose, or draw, I'm a Cowboys fan for life! They may make me feel like I should own a defibrillator, but I say it keeps me young. Who needs cardio at some stuffy gym when I can just watch a football game?
Someone at a bar once said that a "lady" doesn't get into the game like I do. I looked him square in the eye and said "Who are you callin' a lady?! I'm a woman! There's a difference!" I will talk plays and stats with anyone. I was raised in the South, that's how we're bred. I can cook dinner, drink a beer, and watch a game without ruining my dish. Why is it that a guy can scream and curse at the television during a game, but I'm supposed to wear some silly pink jersey (last time I checked, pink was NOT on of the Cowboys' colors), drink some silly, frilly drink, and be quiet while the guys have all the fun? PLEASE!! Give me a beer, my authentic jersey, and room to thrash around when I get mad! I'm a woman in every sense of the word, but don't come between me and my sports.
Why are some people in this world still hung up on some antiquated view of how a woman should behave. As long as my husband doesn't mind, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. I have always wondered why we live our lives trying to satisfy this double-standard of what being a woman is. I might not go to the salon every two weeks, but my hair is done. I don't go for a mani/pedi every week, but my feet and hands are still pretty. I may use some foul language at times, but I'm pretty sure I could be quite the opponent in a debate. None of these things make me any less of a woman and I refuse to let anyone make me feel like they do.
One day, I hope that we will raise our daughters to know that they can do WHATEVER it is they want to do. Raise them to know that they don't have to be all pink and frills to qualify as a woman. Being a woman is SO much more than that. Having the specific body parts is only part of it and that part only makes you female. A woman knows what she wants and she has no problem going after it. If what she wants is a family, then she has every right to go after that family. If she wants a career, she has every right to go after that career. If she wants it all, then she has every right to go after it all. Why is it that it is more acceptable for a man to have a career that takes him away from his family, but a woman "doesn't know her place" if her career is just as important? Why is it that a woman has to give up things to have a family, but a man is not expected to do the same? I, for one, think those are valid questions.
Now, in no way am I a crazy feminist about everything. I just wonder sometimes. Being a woman is about respecting yourself, in ALL areas of your life. Respect yourself in your career. Respect yourself in your relationships. Respect yourself in your day-to-day life. How can you teach your daughter to be a woman when your inclusion in that category is questionable? Women are always saying that it takes a man to teach a boy to be a man. Well, it takes a woman to teach a girl to be a woman. You can't teach her to respect herself and her body if you're sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who smiles in your face and pays you a compliment. You can't teach her to be financially responsible if you're blowing money on mindless crap the minute it touches your hand and then worry about how the bills are going to get paid. You can't teach her how to work for something when you haven't had a job in God knows how long and aren't even trying to find one. You can't teach her to be self-sufficient when you are constantly relying on a man or men for your livelihood. You can't teach her to be a good wife when you ignore your vows at every turn. It's simple math. Nothing + Nothing = Nothing.
My goal in life is to teach my daughter, should I every have one, to be a woman, not just another female. If I never have a daughter, I hope I can be a good example to someones daughter because there are plenty in this world who need a good example. I hope that I live my life in a way that some young girl, or grown female, will look at me and say "I want to be successful, happy, respectful, and respected like her". I don't want anyone to want to be me, but I hope my actions and the decisions I make in my life, even if they do go against the grain, will inspire some girl or female to DO better. To LIVE better. To LOVE better. To BE better.
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